Eilean Shona, 6" x 8"., oil on board
Picuris Peak, Autumn, 6" x 8", oil on board
I also managed to produce a few other small, but good images of Scotland - Iona and Glenfinnan. So its not been a complete waste. For the miniature show, I decided to paint one Scottish and one NM landscape, as I have a foot on each side of the pond now.
Since I managed to get the work off to Scotland in time, I've not put paint to canvas. I've a list of ideas; sketches of things I want to explore on canvas or revisit. However, my inability to set limits has gotten in my way. If I have one big boogie man in my fairly charmed life, it's monetary. I have been helping a friend out in her shop, while she recovers from double knee replacement; and what began as a 2 day/week job, turned into many more hours as others didn't respect my off time. I'm so glad I had the time to do this for her; but it's had a negative, knock-on effect on my art time. That is, the time I need to have to contemplate, to be quiet enough to hear my inner voice; to do the selling, writing and coordinating that must be done to be successful as a painter has been hugely diminished. (I estimate that the business of being an artist takes about 60% of one's time!). And the biggest boogie man comes from that - I am terrified I will become so dependent on that little bit of income that I will be stuck. The basic lack of understanding, by the general public, of the fact that my very life is a business, is one reason why I moved overseas in 2001! Coming back, I knew nothing had changed; but I had put 17 years (at that time) into the focus of painting full time, and I figured I could be strong.
It took a lot of time and courage to jump off the cliff of being an artist full time. I've been living off my work since 1998. Over the last 20 years, I have taken the odd part-time job when things got too tight, opened a bed and breakfast the last two years in my home in Glenfinnan; but none of those things have interrupted my creative time like this little job has done. I always made time to do the marketing of my work, the record keeping, planning, looking for exhibitions, meeting clients. I have had to put ALL of those things on hold, or in second or third place behind duties keeping my loved friend's business and employees on an even keel.
There is an end to the job, I know; but, what scares me is that the 3 - 4 months that I have happily and knowingly given, has translated into another delay in my work reaching clients who have only just begun to realize I'm painting again. I'll be out of a job, a paycheck, that I have cursed and can hardly wait to end, but my business will have suffered, and I'm TERRIFIED that I'll not have enough to pay my bills. Active painting translates directly into active sales. I'm afraid that I'll not be able to stop working because I'm now so dependent on this little paycheck; because the selling part of my job had only just begun again. And perhaps THAT is what is keeping me from painting....that and exhaustion. Shopkeeping, and I'm good at it, is the antithesis of a quiet, creative life. You must be on the entire time you're there. I don't sketch (Its a dress shop....charcoal and expensive clothing don't go together); in fact, there isn't enough time to really read a book. There is NO down time. I collapse when I get home, because my day starts very early as well.
I'm writing all this because I need to understand myself how I got to this twisted place. I allowed it. No one's fault but my own. And if there is a fledgling artist out there reading this, I hope that they realize that its HARD to be a full-time artist in the USA. Hard enough in Europe, where there is a culture of patronage for artists; but here, it's a challenge to find that balance of being supportive and kind, and saying "NO! This is MY time, my work, my business! Nothing can interrupt my time unless MY work is done!" It takes tremendous self-drive, focus, and a "never give up, never give in" attitude. Even after all this time, people say, "Gail, you have to pay your bills, have money. You have to have a job." NO. I don't. I have a more than full-time job. Being an artist is 24/7. Everything I do, everywhere I go, relates to my work. Even if that is a little job that has a negative relation to my work. It all affects my work. This is where having the back-up plan that so many people insist we have gets in the way....that back-up plan will, every time, get in the way of getting the artist's work done. Even if its just putting things online so that people can see you're working. I've always said, "if I had a back up plan, I'd be doing that! Being an artist is harder than you can imagine!"
Perhaps I'll get lucky and the three paintings on exhibition will all sell! Or a new client will grace my new studio, or see something at one of the other places I have work on display, and find something they can't live without. That hasn't changed, no matter what side of the pond I've been on. Always the hope. Thanks for listening.
