Today, I managed to finally take the first baby steps back to my easel. After putting so much into creating the little watercolor, I found it absolutely impossible to think about what's next until today - even with a painting sketched and ready to go on the easel! I got caught up in the voice that said, "you don't have enough, you're not gonna make it, etc., etc., moan, moan, moan..." Its so easy to do - especially right now when the economy is making us all feel fear and panic about our basic well-being!
I was talking to a friend today about the way my creativity works. That my whole life is represented in the ebb and flow of tides rather than a constant river of creativity. The trick is to relax into the moment and accept what phase I am in, trusting. Its the trusting I have trouble with when I'm in the ebb phase.....will I ever be able to paint again; I must be sooooo lazy, all I can do is wander or read or sit and think. The monkey inside my head tries to get me into the fearful, judgemental part. It only traps me if I let it!
How do I find the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if I don't have enough cash to pay my rent, buy groceries, much less paints? By finding one little thing, one little job that helps me think about painting, even if its not picking up a brush with color! Sometimes its very physical.....like cutting up boards into squares that I can use. Sometimes its just rifling through photos, taking a walk, picking up my sketchbook and writing, THEN starting to draw.
Today though, it was physical. I had cut up boards while waiting for DHL last week. And today, I found just enough Gesso to ground them so that tomorrow, if possible, I can begin to work. This made today a good day. Small blessings. a little bit at a time, and soon I'm back in the flow.